all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Randomize
