8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
