I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Randomize
