Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
bring money and cleavage
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
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