Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
