I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
