I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
