Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
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