I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
But regardless, you really stood out last night, you should give me a chance
Sorry but you seem like a potential womanizer
Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Randomize
