My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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