I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
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