can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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