She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Randomize
