Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
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