I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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