How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Randomize
