Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
