my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Floor bacon is actually really good
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
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