You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
