My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
We need to get me chipped asap
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
