you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Oh god it's open bar.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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