my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
