nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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