Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
