last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
