no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
