Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
