is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I have fence marks all over my body
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
