There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
he just fucked me for my cheese.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Randomize
