youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Randomize
