U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
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