they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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