I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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