Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
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