Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Randomize
