When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
Randomize
