my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
