I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
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