i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
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