was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
