By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
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