My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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