i was rollin on her like bob the builder
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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