In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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