god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize