It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
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