FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
