Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize