Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
he just fucked me for my cheese.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
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