it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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