Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
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