You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
