He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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