Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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