I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
