What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
