I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
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