So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
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