They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize