OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
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